glass menagerie

ummm, what now?

2010-06-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

There is a conundrum ( ah! have always wanted to use that word) or maybe a basic flaw in reasoning. Since I was little, like 15 years old, marriage was not on the agenda for me till I was old. Well, old then meant the matronly age of 30. Marriage was also not on the charts without the correct reason, "love". A reason that I can now at best describe as an unverified Twitter account. Potentially fake yet fascinating.

Which brings me to now, at the above mentioned 'matronly' age, and no fascinating verified or unverified account in the picture, leading me to the current top most dilemma of my life. How do I reconcile the fact that although there is no love, I feel as though its time to let go of the red asterisk on the box of love to enable registering myself in this every growing community of married people (who btw are everywhere like a virus) ? Long question right!

Lets assume, we reconcile facts, ignore them, or just screw the thought process, and decide to go ahead with the registration. (yes, that's how I see it, we register to get married, like any website, and become members of this closed door community). Since the tell tale signs of accelerated heartbeats, spontaneous arguments and starry eyed fixation won't be there to guide ( or misguide), how on earth will I hone on to my partner in crime. ( Yes, I also thinks its criminal to get married, living together in an emotional prison cell of sorts)

I am also concerned about my partners potential enrollment into other communities post marriage, such as the adulterous bastard community, the i am a slob community, the i have no romantic bone in my body community, amongst others.

There is no conclusion. There is no rationality, as inspite of so many arguments against it, I am suddenly quite okay with the idea of clicking 'register me'. Eeeeks !!!

family's month out

2010-06-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

A month of fantastic adventure and memories. Family in town. Two lovely nephews in tow, so we went off to Thailand, Phuket / Krabi for a week. Snorkeling, Kayaking, ATV Adventure, Fantasea, Thai temples, yummy Thai food and cheap shopping later the party continued in Singapore.

Homemade food, several runs to Mustafa, Murguan Idli, Sentosa adventures, Science Park, Snow City, Night Safari, Singapore Zoo, Universal Studios, East Coast Park cycling, swimming pool games...phew exhausting, yet super wonderful. I-miss-it-so-much wonderful.

I am shopping, for the next adventure. Ideas?

newness

2010-04-12T07:37:00.001-07:00

I've been on an adventure last few months. New country, new company, new home, in short a new life. It's all so new that anything familiar comforts me, reassuring me I haven't stepped onto a different planet. So I have been calling my old friends more often, reaching out more than I usually do, and hoping that they miss me, kind of !!

About the adventure, its been some ride. I am in the country I have wanted to be for the last several years. It's like a dream come true, even if I miss my old life. I have a new home, which is lovely and huge. Its the biggest apartment I have lived in so far, which means all the more room to dress it up. So I have been painting it colorfully, decorating it with imaginative decors, and building something which is more 'me' than I ever had. I have eaten at so many wonderful restaurants ( ofcourse we won't discuss weight effects here), italian, japanese, thai, french, you name it, delicious, expensive places which I have now finally become fed up of. A good place to be I think. I have been meeting new people, different new people, from MBA's, to construction engineers, to business men's and stay at home wives. I have had a magical evening at a private event at the newly opened entertainment park, wonderful seats to the most happening theatrical event in town, almost killed myself climbing 500+ stairs to reach a local summit (only 163 mtrs :) and danced away at the local desi club.

I have a new swanky phone that I love, absolutely love. A TV which has been my dream TV for a while now, curtains that make me light up, and a beautiful carpet which I bargained hard for. Oh and I am living in sunshine. No more snow. Even if I miss the warm coffee on a cold day.

So its been good, yes yes I still complain, and miss my old life. But its been super, and I am grateful, deeply grateful. Hope the adventure continues.

reluctant florence nightingale

2010-01-09T09:55:00.000-08:00

Phew, so after the depressing year, here's some stuff thats happening, which should be depressing, but is quite funny in a frustrating kind of way. So I come back to Mumbai from Singapore, content with the progress made there, waiting for some official papers, and hoping to travel to exotic places in des, before I venture back to the working jungle after my long hiatus.

And I have some deep muscle pain, which means I have some exhausting even if indulgent ayurvedic treatment, ( full on massage, muscle manipulation, acupressure, acupuncture), the entire works everyday for a week, 4 hours a day. During such time I polished my Marathi skills, smelled of oil all the time, and almost slept on a blanket of needles inserted fashionably in my shoulders.

2 days later, I hear my cousin who studies in Matunga is coming down with TB, so I travel with him to Bombay hospital, and spend almost 2-3 days playing nurse, marathi liaison, doctor liasion, pharmacist liaison and financier. The duties included traveling to and fro from Goregaon to Churchgate in the second class ladies compartment where, I actually reaped more benefits of a full body massage than I could at any ayurvedic centre.

Then I needed lenses, so I took my Mom along, and she apparently has cataract and glaucoma, which of course needed to be operated on urgently. Needless to say she heard several unkind things from me for the next 4 days for her lackadaisical attitude, while shuffling her back and forth to various eye surgeons. Finally one of her eye underwent surgery, and she suddenly became very conscientious of her health and was all 'I cannot move incase my eye explodes'. My father quickly disappeared, since he had some important business way in the North East ( in case we wished him back quickly ).

Meanwhile, in the neighborhood, my bhabhi (sister in law) developed a mysterious ailment which several blood tests and xrays later remained undetectable, so much so that I was tempted to call House, and entice him with the case. And her husband, sweet brother of mine disappeared for some, yes you guessed it, important business again to the North. During which time the mysterious ailment all but bed rid her, which meant more strange and very expensive tests, and a sudden increase in demand for my nursing and (ahem!) cooking capabilities.

Oh and I heard today, my cousin in Dahisar and her mom are down with viral fever. I am opening a home clinic, and have invited them over. First class treatment from a nocturnal, lamp bearing, sleep deprived nurse awaits them. I see sick people.

be kind, do not rewind !

2010-01-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

How can I describe a year, where I lost a job, lost a relationship I inadvertently yet deeply stumbled into, lost my home of 6 years, and lost the friendship of some people along the way? It was a mammoth year, kinda like a earthquake on the terrain of a little thing called 'my life'. Shaken to the core, rehabilitating, and rebuilding. Much like the economy in general.

I am not sure about life lessons, I seem to have the unlearning button on right now. I would rather unlearn the hurt, the indifference, the lack of self confidence, the sheer ennui and utter helplessness. Obviously, it wasn't one of my best years.

I came back home, yet it wasn't how I left it, I didn't feel like I belonged, somewhere within the last 6 years, Mumbai ceased to be home for me. It became a place where my folks live. I lived in my dream country, a place I wanted to call home for a long time, and there wasn't an instant connection there either. I didn't fall in love with it. Although I do want to go back to it, take another chance. I travelled to an exotic land, and loved the adventure. I travelled to a holy place, fell in love with the commitment to a belief, and found faith.

I rediscovered several relationships, that of my parents, my cousins, my nephews, and found several shades in them, some that clashed heavily with my palette, and some which blended in well. And as for friendships, the colors were all over the place. Some ceased in importance, some were consciously distanced, some found new meaning, some betrayed the trust I had bestowed on them while some surprised me with their sheer indifference. I believe friendship in a fluid concept, one that needs constant reinvention, just like love. I got held up on both counts. Held static while the other person moved on.

It was a year of movies / books. I found solace in the stories of 'Wake Up Sid' and 'Twilight Saga'. I escaped, and loved the sheer magical land these avenues presented me with. I explored new and old authors, and read insane amounts of chic lit, and fell in love with the idea of writing once again.

It was a tough year. I want to say it didn't make me tough. I want to say it made me softer, kinder, and with a 100 more reasons to want to live. To look forward with wide eyed wonder and build naive dreams. It was a tough year, need I say more on why I am crossing my fingers, toes, my entire being for 2010!

expiration

2009-12-17T11:58:00.000-08:00

There should be an expiration date. A date beyond which it should cease to matter. A date after which it should be kicked out in the trash without a second thought. A date after which there are no sneaky remnants that catch you unawares.

Hope. It constantly fills and empties the hole in my heart. The roller coaster ride should stop. Sometimes hope should cease to exist and be replaced by something more positive - Reality.

missing souls

2009-12-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

how many souls did you eat

dripping ecstasy over rolling pins

slow burnt naive dreams

rushing toward the new moon
tissue scars melted

the knife dug deeper

haunted lullaby

was it a good meal?

brilliant

2009-12-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

It's brilliant to be able to point to something as elusive as love, and say this is what I want. Which means, since the last feeling you grasped, and believed to be love, did not measure to the thing you are pointing out, there is a realization. A realization I was settling. For less, for something that I cannot live with. And most certainly can live without.

It's brilliant watching love manifest itself in people, it presents itself in a vivid palette of colors and a better understanding of which ones you want to color your life with.

broken

2009-10-12T06:52:00.000-07:00

I told someone once that he was broken, just like me. He refused to accept it, to him it probably meant defeat.

To me it means recognizing life has not been as I want it and still smiling victoriously. It means having character, the kinds which old artifacts have, unusual and savored for posterity. It means fixing myself over and over, and in the process learning a great deal about me and connecting at a different level with someone who has undergone similar pain.

I believed we connected at that broken plane, but we didn't. Perhaps, he was right, he was not broken after all.

Me? I am and I like it.

cynic, not..

2009-10-10T01:52:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I was proud to be a cynic, comfortable in the idea that I have grown up, matured over the years. Yesterday I was happy to be a kid, comfortable and quite relieved I haven't grown up that much. I get responsibilities, I get commitments, I get all the stuff that makes a grown up, but I am amazed that cynicism has not ruined my sense of wonder and the exhilaration that stupid senseless fun still brings me.

I really liked Wake Up Sid, and I am so impressed by Ranbir and Ayan Mukerji. Its the kind of cinema I would have made. If I ever got around to making cinema that is.

morph

2009-10-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

the carefully woven mosaic of life

unravels, rearranges into a new story

into an unknown even if tarnished picture

to adorn a different, unrecognizable me

fantastical

2009-09-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

You know one of those fantasy conversations you keep having, well girls know what I mean. The ones where there is she said and he said, and then things magically work out just like we want them to with a lot of groveling from the 'he' involved. Well I was having one of those conversations in my head, and suddenly, the hypothetical me said something I didn't expect her to, something I wouldn't have in those circumstances. It fell into place. Answers came to me. And everything about that fantasy, the reason I wanted it to come true did not exist (well except the part where I had this amazing dress on, and looked awesome, and everyone knew me this really hot place, oh well! )

I now know what writers mean when they say characters have a mind of their own, in this case it seemed even the fantastical me had a mind of her own. I wish more characters would speak to me.

Here and There

2009-09-22T20:06:00.001-07:00

Last few months, fun, not so much fun! A exciting sudden trip to Thailand, a painful trip to India ( tooth extraction) and a landmark birthday. But lets not talk about that. I am trying to block the fact that I enter the third decade of my life with not much success under my belt. Its not exactly where I had imagined myself. So I am delaying the cake cutting process till I feel like I want to be 30.

Things I miss about the US - a car, my friends, Waffle House, old hangouts, and fall season of American TV

Things I don't miss - paying the bills, visa hassles

Surprisingly I miss US more than I imagined I would. I am giving it a few more months.

small pleasures

2009-08-04T06:30:00.000-07:00

One of the refreshing things about Singapore, are fruit vendors, which sell cut fresh fruits. Kiwis, honeydew, jackfruit, pineapple, papaya, oranges, you name it and they have it. And fresh squeezed fruit juices at a fraction of a cost of that in US.

I love my daily fix of fruit juices, its my new starbucks!

love aajkal

2009-08-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

is funny, with great dialogues, but still not convincing that aaj and kal eventually end up similarly in current times. Its too easy to let go and move on nowadays. The idea that someone would take the effort to travel distances, wait for somebody for so long, and eventually come together like the protagonists of the movie, was unreal. Its a fun movie, Imtiaz delivered, and being the filmy person that I am, I loved it.

Yet, life is not so filmy.

make up your mind, woman!

2009-07-30T05:06:00.000-07:00

I hop and skip. I abandoned this blog some years ago, and now I want it back. I tried something with 'sehrgut' and it didn't work. 92 days, thats all I could record. But its still an eventful year, so instead of the disciplined writing which I simply am not able to adhere to, I say hello back to my original identity. Glass Menagerie is back. And how?, only time will tell.

Until I abandon you again blog, hugs and kisses.