bad love poem

I don't want to stalk you, but I do
I don't want to know who you have added as friends
or the wonderful parties you have been to
But I hungrily walk down your timeline
and sift through your albums
for that one recent picture of you
which might show how you are doing
without me, without my voice, my presence
I don't want to speculate
if the pretty girl you have just added
Could be the reason you choose to elevate
your relationship status
I don't want to know the music you listen to
Just in case I loop it on my Ipod
And I certainly don't want to read the jokes you share
As I will find them funny at first,
but tears will follow soon after
And yet its not right to unfriend you
Because that's what you are after all
A friend. nothing more
perhaps just an acquaintance now
Even if all my actions
reflect post breakup blues
I don't want to love you
Yet, all evidence suggests I do

free will

The corner of my eye seems to love every move you make. It follows you on its accord, even while I nudge it back to this really complicated excel sheet I need to decipher in the next two hours. Yet it has a mind of its own, the brain messages not quite reaching them. My eyes flit across to your side of the room, watch you and then hijack the messages from my brain to the heart, substituting it with those of their own doing, leading the heart to sound like a crescendo of drums rocking out at a concert. The fingers are the next to be attacked, they mistype and suddenly the alphabets in your name seem to be the only ones that they can find on the keyboard, of course strung in the right order, god forbid, they spell your name incorrectly. Limb by limb its utter anarchy, all the cells in my body can really do is attune themselves to the tiniest movement you make. Around you free will is a bittersweet myth.

Recycle

I am recycling old conversations. I am recycling old poetry. Old conversations on old poetry. Words have been exhausted and all there is left is repetition. The art is lost - of showcasing yet cleverly hiding the possible shape a thought or emotion can form when strung together with words. The incessant discussions have ceased - of exploring that alternate plane where no one interpretation was correct. The muse has departed - who existed in various faces and voices compelling me to create. The ashes of burnt conversations lay there incapable of new life. The poetry of life drifts resignedly uncaring where sands of time will pull it ashore.

family's month out

A month of fantastic adventure and memories. Family in town. Two lovely nephews in tow, so we went off to Thailand, Phuket / Krabi for a week. Snorkeling, Kayaking, ATV Adventure, Fantasea, Thai temples, yummy Thai food and cheap shopping later the party continued in Singapore.

Homemade food, several runs to Mustafa, Murguan Idli, Sentosa adventures, Science Park, Snow City, Night Safari, Singapore Zoo, Universal Studios, East Coast Park cycling, swimming pool games...phew exhausting, yet super wonderful. I-miss-it-so-much wonderful.

I am shopping, for the next adventure. Ideas?

newness

I've been on an adventure last few months. New country, new company, new home, in short a new life. It's all so new that anything familiar comforts me, reassuring me I haven't stepped onto a different planet. So I have been calling my old friends more often, reaching out more than I usually do, and hoping that they miss me, kind of !!

About the adventure, its been some ride. I am in the country I have wanted to be for the last several years. It's like a dream come true, even if I miss my old life. I have a new home, which is lovely and huge. Its the biggest apartment I have lived in so far, which means all the more room to dress it up. So I have been painting it colorfully, decorating it with imaginative decors, and building something which is more 'me' than I ever had.  I have eaten at so many wonderful restaurants ( ofcourse we won't discuss weight effects here), italian, japanese, thai, french, you name it, delicious, expensive places which I have now finally become fed up of. A good place to be I think. I have been meeting new people, different new people, from MBA's, to construction engineers, to business men's and stay at home wives. I have had a magical evening at a private event at the newly opened entertainment park, wonderful seats to the most happening theatrical event in town, almost killed myself climbing 500+ stairs to reach a local summit (only 163 mtrs :) and danced away at the local desi club.

I have a new swanky phone that I love, absolutely love. A TV which has been my dream TV for a while now, curtains that make me light up, and a beautiful carpet which I bargained hard for. Oh and I am living in sunshine. No more snow. Even if I miss the warm coffee on a cold day.

So its been good, yes yes I still complain, and miss my old life. But its been super, and I am grateful, deeply grateful. Hope the adventure continues.

reluctant florence nightingale

Phew, so after the depressing year, here's some stuff thats happening, which should be depressing, but is quite funny in a frustrating kind of way. So I come back to Mumbai from Singapore, content with the progress made there, waiting for some official papers, and hoping to travel to exotic places in des, before I venture back to the working jungle after my long hiatus. 

And I have some deep muscle pain, which means I have some exhausting even if indulgent ayurvedic treatment, ( full on massage, muscle manipulation, acupressure, acupuncture), the entire works everyday for a week, 4 hours a day.  During such time I polished my Marathi skills, smelled of oil all the time, and almost slept on a blanket of needles inserted fashionably in my shoulders.

2 days later, I hear my cousin who studies in Matunga is coming down with TB, so I travel with him to Bombay hospital, and spend almost 2-3 days playing nurse, marathi liaison, doctor liasion, pharmacist liaison and financier. The duties included traveling to and fro from Goregaon to Churchgate in the second class ladies compartment where, I actually reaped more benefits of a full body massage than I could at any ayurvedic centre. 

Then I needed lenses, so I took my Mom along, and she apparently has cataract and glaucoma, which of course needed to be operated on urgently. Needless to say she heard several unkind things from me for the next 4 days for her lackadaisical attitude, while shuffling her back and forth to various eye surgeons. Finally one of her eye underwent surgery, and she suddenly became very conscientious of her health and was all 'I cannot move incase my eye explodes'. My father quickly disappeared, since he had some important business way in the North East ( in case we wished him back quickly ). 

Meanwhile, in the neighborhood, my bhabhi (sister in law) developed a mysterious ailment which several blood tests and xrays later remained undetectable, so much so that I was tempted to call House, and entice him with the case. And her husband, sweet brother of mine disappeared for some, yes you guessed it, important business again to the North. During which time the mysterious ailment all but bed rid her, which meant more strange and very expensive tests, and a sudden increase in demand for my nursing and (ahem!) cooking capabilities. 

Oh and I heard today, my cousin in Dahisar and her mom are down with viral fever. I am opening a home clinic, and have invited them over. First class treatment from a nocturnal, lamp bearing, sleep deprived nurse awaits them. I see sick people.

be kind, do not rewind !

How can I describe a year, where I lost a job, lost a relationship I inadvertently yet deeply stumbled into, lost my home of 6 years, and lost the friendship of some people along the way? It was a mammoth year, kinda like a earthquake on the terrain of a little thing called 'my life'. Shaken to the core, rehabilitating, and rebuilding. Much like the economy in general. 

I am not sure about life lessons, I seem to have the unlearning button on right now. I would rather unlearn the hurt, the indifference, the lack of self confidence, the sheer ennui and utter helplessness. Obviously, it wasn't one of my best years. 

I came back home, yet it wasn't how I left it, I didn't feel like I belonged, somewhere within the last 6 years, Mumbai ceased to be home for me. It became a place where my folks live. I lived in my dream country, a place I wanted to call home for a long time, and there wasn't an instant connection there either. I didn't fall in love with it. Although I do want to go back to it, take another chance. I travelled to an exotic land, and loved the adventure. I travelled to a holy place, fell in love with the commitment to a belief, and found faith.

I rediscovered several relationships, that of my parents, my cousins, my nephews, and found several shades in them, some that clashed heavily with my palette, and some which blended in well. And as for friendships, the colors were all over the place. Some ceased in importance, some were consciously distanced, some found new meaning, some betrayed the trust I had bestowed on them while some surprised me with their sheer indifference. I believe friendship in a fluid concept, one that needs constant reinvention, just like love. I got held up on both counts. Held static while the other person moved on. 

It was a year of movies / books. I found solace in the stories of 'Wake Up Sid' and 'Twilight Saga'. I escaped, and loved the sheer magical land these avenues presented me with. I explored new and old authors, and read insane amounts of chic lit, and fell in love with the idea of writing once again. 

It was a tough year. I want to say it didn't make me tough. I want to say it made me softer, kinder, and with a 100 more reasons to want to live. To look forward with wide eyed wonder and build naive dreams. It was a tough year, need I say more on why I am crossing my fingers, toes, my entire being for 2010!