be kind, do not rewind !

How can I describe a year, where I lost a job, lost a relationship I inadvertently yet deeply stumbled into, lost my home of 6 years, and lost the friendship of some people along the way? It was a mammoth year, kinda like a earthquake on the terrain of a little thing called 'my life'. Shaken to the core, rehabilitating, and rebuilding. Much like the economy in general. 

I am not sure about life lessons, I seem to have the unlearning button on right now. I would rather unlearn the hurt, the indifference, the lack of self confidence, the sheer ennui and utter helplessness. Obviously, it wasn't one of my best years. 

I came back home, yet it wasn't how I left it, I didn't feel like I belonged, somewhere within the last 6 years, Mumbai ceased to be home for me. It became a place where my folks live. I lived in my dream country, a place I wanted to call home for a long time, and there wasn't an instant connection there either. I didn't fall in love with it. Although I do want to go back to it, take another chance. I travelled to an exotic land, and loved the adventure. I travelled to a holy place, fell in love with the commitment to a belief, and found faith.

I rediscovered several relationships, that of my parents, my cousins, my nephews, and found several shades in them, some that clashed heavily with my palette, and some which blended in well. And as for friendships, the colors were all over the place. Some ceased in importance, some were consciously distanced, some found new meaning, some betrayed the trust I had bestowed on them while some surprised me with their sheer indifference. I believe friendship in a fluid concept, one that needs constant reinvention, just like love. I got held up on both counts. Held static while the other person moved on. 

It was a year of movies / books. I found solace in the stories of 'Wake Up Sid' and 'Twilight Saga'. I escaped, and loved the sheer magical land these avenues presented me with. I explored new and old authors, and read insane amounts of chic lit, and fell in love with the idea of writing once again. 

It was a tough year. I want to say it didn't make me tough. I want to say it made me softer, kinder, and with a 100 more reasons to want to live. To look forward with wide eyed wonder and build naive dreams. It was a tough year, need I say more on why I am crossing my fingers, toes, my entire being for 2010!

expiration

There should be an expiration date. A date beyond which it should cease to matter. A date after which it should be kicked out in the trash without a second thought. A date after which there are no sneaky remnants that catch you unawares.

Hope.  It constantly fills and empties the hole in my heart.  The roller coaster ride should stop. Sometimes hope should cease to exist and be replaced by something more positive - Reality.

missing souls

how many souls did you eat 

dripping ecstasy over rolling pins 

slow burnt naive dreams 

rushing toward the new moon
tissue scars melted 

the knife dug deeper 

haunted lullaby  

was it a good meal?

brilliant

It's brilliant to be able to point to something as elusive as love, and say this is what I want. Which means, since the last feeling you grasped, and believed to be love, did not measure to the thing you are pointing out, there is a realization. A realization I was settling. For less, for something that I cannot live with. And most certainly can live without. 

It's brilliant watching love manifest itself in people, it presents itself in a vivid palette of colors and a better understanding of which ones you want to color your life with. 

broken

I told someone once that he was broken, just like me. He refused to accept it, to him it probably meant defeat.  

To me it means recognizing life has not been as I want it and still smiling victoriously. It means having character, the kinds which old artifacts have, unusual and savored for posterity. It means fixing myself over and over, and in the process learning a great deal about me and connecting at a different level with someone who has undergone similar pain.

I believed we connected at that broken plane, but we didn't. Perhaps, he was right, he was not broken after all.

Me? I am and I like it.

cynic, not..

There was a time when I was proud to be a cynic, comfortable in the idea that I have grown up, matured over the years. Yesterday I was happy to be a kid, comfortable and quite relieved I haven't grown up that much. I get responsibilities, I get commitments, I get all the stuff that makes a grown up, but I am amazed that cynicism has not ruined my sense of wonder and the exhilaration that stupid senseless fun still brings me.

I really liked Wake Up Sid, and I am so impressed by Ranbir and Ayan Mukerji. Its the kind of cinema I would have made. If I ever got around to making cinema that is.

morph

the carefully woven mosaic of life 

unravels, rearranges into a new story

into an unknown even if tarnished picture

to adorn a different, unrecognizable me